Chapter 1: Spam Boy and the Polish Debutante

Many times during the course of one's life, you'll run into a person who's crazy antics and off-the-wall behavior will crack you up and leave you with a smile on your face. Less often, they'll be able to do this consistently without realizing it. This is what is commonly referred to as "unintentional comedy". This is where the person fails to see that they are the butt of their own jokes and that the world is laughing at them and not with them. And once in a great rare while will you come across somebody who meets the above criteria while at the same time soaking in all of the attention and loving every minute of it. This person happens to be a co-worker of mine. In the interest of changing names to protect the innocent (and yet absurd), we will refer to him as "Spam Boy".

You see, there is never this good of an opportunity to draw such unintentional comedy from a constant source on a daily basis as there is with Spam Boy. As a matter of fact, the reason this tome was to be generated was because there was so much material, and if I didn't write it down, it was in jeopardy of being forgotten. And when I say daily basis, I am not exaggerating by that much. For instance, there was a period of a year in which he sat next to me which provides the bulk of the material contained herein, not to mention the new humor that he brings on a semi-regular basis now that he's moved away.

Take for instance how I learned about the nickname Spam Boy. When SB and I worked on a project together, somebody in our group took the initiative of making us all individualized name tags. These name tags all included a nickname that reflected the specific aspect of the project we were working on. For example, since I worked on "Project X", that made me "Project X Boy". The poster was funny and contained a picture of an action figure in a space suit. Everybody had them, as one person was represented by Batgirl, somebody else by Wolverine, and it was all in good fun. I didn't think anything of it other than it showed team spirit and a little bit of humor. Well, Spam Boy puts up a picture of himself in a tuxedo, holding a can of Spam in his white-gloved hand. Curious what this was about, I asked. As always, and as you'll find, the answer was definitely worth waiting for.

Apparently, once in a while in the fair city of Springfield, Massachusetts, there will be a Polish Debutante Ball. From how I remember it being told to me, it is somewhat of a blind date in that you don't know who you're taking. You show up in a tuxedo, and they pair you up. As is what you would expect, it is an event mostly for the girls to dress up in nice white gowns and dance the night away with a select young man. Perhaps the most humorous aspect of this Ball, other than that it exists in the first place, is that they don't allow you to attend unless you have 100% Polish-y goodness running through your veins.

Well, Spam Boy has these nice pictures of him and his assigned Polish Debutante dancing and having a good time. All of these pictures, I would say, were tastefully done, although I was still cracking up at the concept of such a Ball. But here's where the craziness comes into play. For some inexplicable reason, he decided to crop the nice-looking Polish girl out of one of the pictures where they were holding hands and replace her with a can of Spam. I mean, why would you want to be seen with a Polish Debutante (God, I still love saying those words) when you could be seen with a can of Spam?

So that's basically the tale. But you can see how a simple question like "Where did you get that picture of yourself with the can of Spam?" can turn into a whole explanation of Polish Debutantes and the like. And that's just one story... and a tame one at that.

I've got a million of these.... and they're all true.