Chapter 14: A Less-Kind Less-Gentle Softball Season

As March turns to April, so does basketball season turn to softball season. And 2005 was no exception. As the weather got warmer and warmer, Spam Boy got crazier and crazier, and the lure of the sport he so loved became greater and greater. Another tradition also continued in the Spring of 2005... Andy once again had to look for a new softball team.

*Insert Flashback Moment*

If you remember, a year earlier, Andy was kicked off of his last softball team. Claiming too large of a roster to play with, his last captain gave him the news that they were splitting the team in two and that he was going to have to make his own way. At least that's what he was told. Of course, what really happened was that 80% of the team was being kept intact and a few players were being jettisoned. I'll let history be your guide as to why YOU think he was on the chopping block.

*End Flashback Moment*

Then, of course, the stories of Spam Boy's 2004 season were well documented. I don't have to remind you about the running of victory laps around empty diamonds after games, the website, the incessant chanting of "Corbett Report". While his team did not lead the league in wins that year, he led the leauge in terms of number of people who would refuse to shake his hand after a game. And when I say "people", that number also includes umpires. Oh, and also people trying to hit line drives at his head.

In retrospect, those were easier times.

Because Spam Boy curried enough ill-will in the Pittsfield league that he couldn't play in a game without being recognized as "that crazy guy", and because the level of play was well too competitive and aggressive for his tastes, he decided to try his hand running a team in the more laid-back Dalton league.

The inherent problem with the league switching was that it meant finding players who were willing to join him in his transition to the new league. The irony was that a good chunk of his team was in fact already switching over to the new league due to some of the very same reasons Spam Boy wanted to transfer. The kick in the groin however, was that they were starting their own team.. without him. Spam Boy would once again have to hit the recruitment circuit.

To his credit, in very little time at all, Spam Boy had a new roster put together. (I guess people just really like to play softball!) It should be noted that some of the positions ended up being filled by loyalists from last year's team.

Now, allegedly, the Dalton league was for people who were interested in just having a good time, actual competition was minimal, and the rules were more relaxed. Also, allegedly, Spam Boy was going to clean up his act. Which one of these two sentiments was going to have to give?

The 2005 troubles started early, before the season even began. While scoping out the new grounds that he'd be patrolling once the season started, he noticed that the field conditions were not up to snuff. These were not like the Pittsfield diamonds that he was used to... these had little pits and mounds and other "gotchas" here and there that could cause an injury during the course of a play. What if somebody turned an ankle rounding third? What if somebody collapsed on their way to the plate? Surely, this could not be allowed to stand.

So he did what any responsible softball aficianado would do... he called the head of the Dalton Parks and Recreation department.

After explaining all of the softball complex's hidden dangers to the commissioner, he received basically a "thanks for caring" answer in reply. As issues with towns and money go, some things are just not a priority, and re-grooming the park's softball diamonds was not high on his list of things to do.

In the weeks that followed, SB started reading up on some of the new rules (or lack thereof) he'd be dealing with for the coming season. He had always had a problem with the Pittsfield rule about how walking a male player who was batting in front of a female player would result in an automatic two bases instead of one. He wanted to see if he could have an effect on policy if he could get his requests heard before the season started.

So he did what any responsible softball aficianado would do... he called the head of the Dalton Parks and Recreation department.

Trying to get clarifications on some of the rules, and trying to get some of the other rules changed, he was not met by the same "thanks for caring" reply that he got before. Instead, he got:

"If you do not stop calling me with these requests, I will be forced to shut down your softball team for the season."

Ouch.

Spam Boy's 2005 season was off to a rollicking start.

It was about this time that Justin and I were working on a new phone prank for SB. Catching wind of this story, we decided to come up with the following script for the phone call:

"Hi, is Andy Wolan there? I’m “Big” Jim Callahan, President of the Dalton Community Recreation Association Board.

Are you related to Jim Wolan? I served in Vietnam with him.

Andy… that’s a pretty name.

I got your message that you’re interested in entering a team in the Dalton CRA co-ed softball league this summer.

Are you planning on attending our informational meeting on the 27^th?

It’s at 7:30, and we’ve decided to have a costume theme.

Come as your favorite major league baseball player.

This year, we’re doing something a little different.

Due to all the concern about performance-enhancing drugs in sports, we’re asking everybody that signs up to provide a urine sample to the CRA.

We’re going to be checking for certain “red flag” items.

Do you think that you would be able to provide us with a sample?

We’ve heard some complaints from the Pittsfield co-ed league about you.

Are you the guy who got into a few arguments with a couple of different umpires during the course of the season?

We want you to know up front that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated in our league.

This league is not as competitive as the Pittsfield league and we want our participants to have a good time without having any escalated situations or having their safety jeopardized.

I’m sorry I have to cut this conversation short… I have an anal fissure that’s starting to act up again."

This promised to be a killer phone call, much like the Best Buy attempt, but this one fell by the wayside. After attempting to call a couple of times and getting his voice mail, we decided to give up on it. Oh, what could have been!

It didn't take long after the start of the actual season before things took a turn for the worse...er. (Is that a word?) After 1 game (that's right, 1 game!!!!!), half of his team mutinied (Spam Boy's own words) and left the team. Rumor had it that it had something to do with the way he was managing the games. Go figure. I mean, he had already held several practices by that point, and was managing the first game of the season like it was the seventh game of the World Series. Maybe that whole laid-back thing wasn't rubbing off on him like it should have.

So it was, without ceremony, that 9 players would quit Andy's team after the very first game of the season. One more would quit after game 2. Another day at the office for Spam Boy.

It would get even better.

After treading water in their second game of the season, Andy's team would immediately be taking on the so-called "mutiny team" in game 3. Of course, Andy wrote a report about it. I'll let him take it from here, with all text set in context:

"The mercury was high and the field was dead silent at game time. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. The police were on the scene with riot gear… well, not really. Yes, these two team, once a united, powerful force had degenerated to become two bitterly contested rivals.

The umpire was overheard calling the A's "a bunch of assholes" during the game.

The umpire almost started a brawl between Tony of the A's and several "Team 13" players after the umpire insulted players on the A's bench for refusing to shake their hands. Given the disrespect that "Team 13" had shown to the A's, the A's had every right to return the favor."

Yep... now it was fighting time! We're not even going to have the pretense of niceties now... it's motherf***in' go time!

It would all be neat and lovely if I could tell you that this "rivalry" existed only on the field. But alas, all stories involving Spam Boy are not that cut and dried. Things got so ugly in this case, that it spilled over into his work life.

First, there was the issue of Andy not having collected team dues from all"mutiny" players before they left. That was causing some financial issues with having to foot a large part of the team entry fee himself. Chasing down players who didn't want anything to do with him and asking them for money provided the suspected result... nothing.

Then, I'll never forget Andy coming by my cube one day and telling me that one of his former players was actually harrassing him at work. He was a douche bag that hailed by the name of Dan. And when I say harrassing, I'm talking about getting in his face in person in the workplace. Totally not cool. Andy told me how much he felt threatened by Dan... like he didn't know what he was going to do to him. I imagine Andy must have some sort of pheromone that he emits that causes this reaction in people. I can't explain it any other way.

From there, it spilled over to all places, ugh... the team's website message board.

Here were some of Dan's postings:

"Very sad to see the retirement of annette, she was one of the best talents on this team. Not quite sure those stats are what you would call "accurate." Lucky 13 strikes again. Hard to have a mutinty without ever having control. It was much more like a purging of excess dead weight; only more like a money laundering scam. Nice to see the trademark Athletics symbol being displayed on a public web site. Wonder if permission was obtained for that? I know, I’ll ask their media relations people. Shout outs to Slappy, steve with the granny, the recently married and the soon to be married. Everyones a sucker in life, deal with it!"

or

"The Avengers FORFEITED this game, pursuant to Rule 4 which states: ൒ Players in the field - 4 must be women. If you do not have four women to start a game, you must forfeit. You can play the game but it counts as a loss." I notified the coach of the GD Team that your team had forfeited since you only had 2 women on the field."

And then there was an expletive-laden response by one of Andy's teammates:

First of all, I am not a [expletive deleted, i'll give you a hint... it's a female body part] and reveal who I am when writing this.

Second of all, we [expletive deleted, rhymes with "sucking"] won so get over it. You didnt even have enough players so you called up those [expletive deleted, rhymes with "bass holes"] from Lucky 13.

Thirdly, [expleteive deleted, pretty much means "screw"] you and if you got a problem come and see me. I am sure we can resolve it. I am tired of this [expletive deleted, something a farmer handles lots of] over some [expletive deleted, again with that "sucking" sounding word] stupid softball game. You are all a bunch of winers and complainers. One more thing, go [expletive deleted, "copulate"] yourselves and write on someone elses bulletin board. Your probably jealous because you dont have one. I will be in the parking lot at 4 at row 13 if you want to talk like men; I must act like a high school punk just like you.

One more thing: [expletive deleted, and it's not "love"] you, Antonio

Later that day, I get an email asking me if I have a camera. Now, based on the fact that cameras are outlawed here (if cameras are outlawed only outlaws would have cameras), it was a pretty ludicrious request. I opted not to respond. Hoping it would go away. Quietly, go away.

Turns out that request to fight in the parking lot was real. Turns out Andy wanted to borrow a camera to take a picture of this Antonio guy waiting in the parking lot for Dan to show up. Oh, I'm so glad I was not a part of this in any way. They never ended up getting that camera, so I never saw a picture. But if the rumors were true, there were a few people up there waiting, and no fight to be had. Oh well.

Guess we're not in high school anymore. Thank God.

The physical hostilities cooled, and the "Avengers", as Andy eventually named his team, would play out the rest of the season and finish 4-9. That's a final tally of 4 victory laps, 9 dejected losses, and 1 avoided instance of fisticuffs.

Whew!