Chapter 9: Best Buy calling, this is Tom Gavin -or- When Opportunity Knocks, It's Probably There To Kill You

One of our favorite pasttimes at work is pulling a good practical joke on somebody. Depending on how much time and energy we have to pull something off, the quality of the joke varies. There's a core of about 4 or 5 of us here that really like to get people going. As you read back in Chapter 2, we stole Spam Boy's scented candles after he had received numerous complaints that they were stinking up the whole room. That was on the lighter side... a small smash-and-grab job, if you will.

One time, when I was sitting across an aisle from this guy named Derrick, I went over to his cubicle after he had left work for the day, and I took everything from the left side of his cube and put it on the right side, and did the reverse with the right side. So, in the end, everything was discombobulated. I couldn't wait for him to come in the next day and notice that something was off but not being able to place what had happened. It came off flawlessly too, as he couldn't complain about anything missing... as everything was there... but it was just out of order somehow. Finally, I caved and explained what I had done. Thankfully, he was a good sport. Even more thankfully, he never tried to get me back. Even after I put "Caution" tape across the door to his cube, he still didn't retaliate. Although I hate to think it's why he decided not to work here anymore.

Of all the jokesters that we have in this place, the best one by far is my friend Justin. He and I together have pulled off some pretty funny pranks. One time, we got our mutual friend Becky by putting a transparency of a gorilla over her vanity mirror late one night in the hopes she'd see it while trying to put makeup on or something. Clearly knowing who was responsible, I arrived at my desk the next morning with a marshmallow Peeps on my desk with the words "Eat Me" written on it.

Justin and I pushed it even further when I found out that she was going to get her tattoo touched up at a local tattoo parlor after work. While the two of us were out in the lab, he dialed her up from outside, and put on his best fake voice:

"Hello. I was calling to confirm your 5pm appointment for a tattoo touch-up.", said Justin.

"Yes. That's correct."

"I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I might be a little late for the appointment."

"Okay."

"You see, I'm going to be out drinking before-hand, and I'm not sure I'll make the appointment on time."

"Where are you going to be???"

"Herman's, on East Street. You're welcome to join me. I'm going to get pretty hammered."

"Wait, you're going to get drunk and work on my tattoo???"

"Oh yeah, it's no big deal. I've done it many times before."

"And you think that's okay???"

At this point, Justin started to break down a laugh a little bit, and Becky got tipped off that it was a prank. But for a good few minutes there, he totally had her going. It was something to behold.

It was that moment that got us all inspired. If he could get Becky going the way he did, what would happen if we tried to pull something similar on Spam Boy.

Well, the opportunity presented itself in the form of an altercation between SB and Best Buy on the telephone in the cube next to mine. Apparently SB's parents had bought a brand new computer there, with all of the trappings that come with it, i.e. a monitor, printer, etc. They had paid in full for the entire bundle, but at the time of purchase, the printer that came with it was not available. For the purposes of completing the sale, they were promptly granted a rain check and told to pick it up when it became available.

When they showed up some time later to obtain the printer, the salesperson made a mistake and charged them for the cost of the printer. SB's parents, being amicable enough, decided to just pay for it and get it home and sort the whole thing out later. SB, not being so amicable, decided to call up Best Buy on the phone and tear them a new one. (Not that I blame him as they were totally in the wrong.) After much back-and-forth (and I really really wish I remembered the dialog), he finally was able to communicate the full story to them and they agreed to refund the money spent on the printer.

I remember the funniest thing about this phone call being the volume at which he spoke. See, here in "cubicle city", everybody can hear you talking on the phone, so you better choose your dialog wisely. When he amped it up to the level that he did, the entire office could hear it. And when he spoke at that level, he sounded vaguely reminiscent of that famous Jim Mora interview (then coach of the Indianapolis Colts) when he simply shrieked:

"Playoffs??? Don't talk about playoffs??? You kidding me??? Playoffs???"

As a matter of fact, for months after that memorable phone call, that was our impression of him around the office and every time his voice level broke that barrier, we would recite it to him.

But all of this gave us one hell of an idea for a prank call. We would call him representing Best Buy customer service and apologize to him for the way he was treated on the phone.

Next we had to script it up.

Justin and I sat down and wrote up an outline of a script that he could run with should we be able to get an unsuspecting Spam Boy on the phone.

By the time we hit the empty conference room and dialed the number, we were ready to roll:

"Hi, is this Andy Wallen (intentionally mispronounced)? I’m Tom Gavin, from Best Buy corporate headquarters, customer service division. I was calling to follow up on an order you placed for a home computer."

"I didn't place an order for a computer."

"Well, it says here that you did."

"Nope, it wasn't me."

"My apologies."

It had seemed like we were foiled. He didn't take the bait. I urged Justin to call again and give it another try.

"Hello, Mr. Wolan? This is Tom Gavin again. I just looked at the paperwork again.... was it your parents that bought a computer recently?"

"Oh yeah... as a matter of fact, I thought after I hung up that maybe that's what you were asking about."

"Oh, okay. Now it says here that you had some trouble with our customer service department the last time you talked to them. Is that true?"

"Yes it is."

"I understand there was a problem with the printer not being bundled in with the computer."

"You see, my parents bought this computer at your store and at the time they didn't have the printer in stock so they were told to come pick it up at a later date and when they did, they were charged for it...."

"Yes, I see that written down right here. Hey, Andy... that's a nice name... I have a drinking buddy named Andy."

"Um... thank you."

"Now, where did you purchase this computer?"

"At your Springfield location."

"I heard you were rude to the last sales associate you talked to."

"What???"

"It says right here that you were rude to our customer service representative."

"But he was rude to me!!!"

"I want you to know that we’ve since fired that person."

"Oh... really? It wasn't my intention to get anybody to get fired over this."

"We take these complaints very seriously and wanted to know what you thought we could do to improve customer relations... if I could have a few moments of your time, would you be willing to answer a few questions for me?"

"Sure."

"What's your marital status?"

"I'm single."

(During this time, I'm typing on the keyboard of the computer in the conference room, making it sound like "Tom" is actually taking down the information.)

"And what's your Social Security number?"

"What??? I'm not going to give that out!"

"Sir, please. It's a pretty standard part of our customer surveys."

"I don't feel comfortable giving that out."

"Okay. We'll just move on."

"What was the make and model of that printer?"

"Hewlett Packard (blah blah blah)."

"Great! And how often do you go to Best Buy?"

"Fairly often."

"Well, in order to compensate you for this misunderstanding, we will be mailing out to you a Best Buy gift card that you could use for the holidays. Can I have your address?"

"Sure, it's (blah blah blah blah blah)."

"Okay, Mr. Wolan... thanks for shopping at Best Buy...."

"Wait."

"What is it?"

"Before you let me go, I have something I wanted to talk to you guys about...."

(At this point, me and our friend Ryan are just about on the floor laughing.)

"Okay."

"Last time I was there, I picked myself up a video game for my PC called (blah blah blah). When I brought it home, it wouldn't play on my machine. When I went to return it, they told me they couldn't take it back, because the packaging had been opened and they practically accused me of pirating the software."

"Well, I'm sorry to say that that's our standard procedure. We've had a lot of trouble with people buying games, ripping a copy, and then returning them for store credit. I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do."

"Okay."

"Have you tried that new game, "Doom 3"? I hear it's really good."

"Oh yeah!!! (disposition changing) As a matter of fact, that's the game I was trying to exchange this one for."

"Well, you should definitely get it... I hear good things."

"Well, I did end up getting it anyway. It is really good."

"Well, great... is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Nope, that's it."

"Have a great evening then!"

"Thanks!"

(Click)

We all look around the room at each other.

"What just happened there?", I said. "Did he really just fall for that prank call hook, line, and sinker, and then keep you on the phone to talk about another problem he was having???"

We all laugh out loud.

Walking out of the conference room together, we decide to split up to not look so obvious. As I'm heading back to my cubicle, I can see Spam Boy making a bee-line to my area.

This is going to be good.

"Hey Mike, remember when I had that whole situation with Best Buy and my parents' computer?"

"Oh yeah, I think I remember you saying something about that."

"Well, I think they're out to get me."

"What??? What do you mean?"

"Well, I just got this wierd phone call from them saying that they fired the guy that gave me a hard time.... it didn't seem like a real phone call though... I think it's that guy they fired... I think he's out to get me."

"Well, what did he say?"

"He told me that they were sorry for the mixup and that they fired the guy responsible and that they were going to send me a Best Buy gift certificate."

"And somehow from that you pieced together that somebody out there is out to kill you."

"I don't know, but I'm worried. They asked wierd questions like what my Social Security number is, and I told them I didn't want to give it out."

"Yeah... but still. Every company I talk to on the phone wants to know something stupid like that. I don't think it's THAT suprising that they did that."

"I'm going to trace the call. I'm going to go down to security and have them trace the call."

"Hold on... you're being irrational. I'm sure it's fine. It sounds from what you're saying that it's pretty harmless. I don't know how you extrapolated from that that somebody is out to kill you."

(Spam Boy leaves, my two accomplises show up.)

"Holy shit, dude.", said Justin. "That guy is off his rocker."

"I know... did you hear all that?", I said. "He thinks somebody is out to kill him. He says he's going to have the call traced."

"He's not going to do that.", said Justin.

"I don't know, man... he seems pretty wound up about it."

"Nah. He's not going to do it."

"Well, either way", I said, "we better try to get him calmed down when he comes back."

(Spam Boy comes back 5 minutes later.)

"I just talked to my parents.", said Spam Boy, "and they hadn't heard anything from Best Buy regarding this incident. I think I'm going to have to find a place to stay for the night."

"Do you really think this guy is stalking you?", I asked.

"Yeah, well they asked for my address to send the gift card to."

"I'm sure it's fine.", I said again. "I bet you'll just get your gift certificate in the mail, and you'll be able to look back on this and laugh."

"Maybe. We'll see."

(Spam Boy leaves again.)

At this point, I'm feeling totally guilty that he feels this way, and I'm even at the point where I'm thinking I would personally buy a Best Buy gift certificate and send it to him in the mail just to calm him down. That's when Justin comes up with this idea:

"I have an already used Best Buy gift certificate at home. I'm gonna send him that one, and when he tries to use it, they'll reject it at the register."

(Uproarious laughter.)

I then quickly sober up after I think about it for a second.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? This kid's about to go nuclear now, and if that happened to him, I think he would absolutely pop."

"I don't care. I'm going to do it anyway."

"Fine man, but you have to deal with the fallout."

Justin never sent him that card, and eventually all the fuss from that call settled down. But it's absolutely outrageous to think that he translated Best Buy trying to do him a solid into "somebody is trying to kill me". But that's the way he thinks. And that's what made it so funny.

And that's why pulling a prank such as that on him was akin to shooting fish in a barrel.