Chapter 3: Emulation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

What in the world is cooler than having a Sonic the Hedgehog screen saver? Well, lots of things actually. I think stamp collecting and entomology are cooler than that. Organizing one's sock drawer is also a hell of a lot cooler.

So anyways, not only did Spam Boy have a Sonic scren saver, I at one point noticed that his cursor would actually animate into Sonic whenever he would double click on something. The little Sonic icon would curl into a ball and start spinning while waiting for the task to complete.

I at one point owned a Sega Genesis. I even owned the lion's share of Sonic the Hedgehog titles. Not once was I so enamored with them that I thought about dedicating web space to the topic. (Although to be fair, at the time I did not have access to the internet, nevermind the ability to create my own web site. My nerd level had not yet peaked.) However, that's exactly what Spam Boy did. Granted, this development occurred at the tender age of 15 and on a bet no less, but if you were to venture a guess that this kind of behavior is still going on today, you'd be entirely correct.

Of course, as one gets older and smarter, the kinds of things that the site can become increases multi-fold. As a result, the simple Sonic the Hedgehog cover site (It's not a cover site, it's a tribute site!) had grown to be something much more meaningful, and yet much scarier. I was introduced to the website, www.emulationzone.org, a site dedicated to emulating video game console software on the PC, as well as a sub-group called the Sonic Stuff Research Group (SSRG), and yes you read that correctly.

Here's what the definition of the group is from their own web site:

For several years, SSRG stood as a corner stone to the ‘Zone’s success. For those that are unfamiliar with SSRG, the site dealt the hacking the Sonic line of games, along with discussing secrets pertaining to these games as well. Associated with it was a Sonic hacking scene, that encouraged people to learn about computers by studying the SEGA Genesis console and how to hack ROM images of the games.

In layman's terms, you could play a cartridge-based video game on your computer. This was for those who no longer got a thrill from playing Sonic and Knuckles (TM) on just any old gaming console and needed that shot of adrenaline that comes from sitting in front of your computer, much like an alcoholic moving on from Milwaukee's Best Ice to Old English 800. Either that, ir it was for college students who couldn't get enough friends together to kick in for a $40 game cartridge.

But could the good times last forever? Aparently not. In 2003, the Sonic Group did a little 'sit and spin' action, indefinitely. And if you thought it was due to lack of interest or technological reasons, you're wrong. It's something far more sinister and far more hilarious.

For the past year and a half, the Sonic hacking scene had degenerated from a nice little community where you could learn about computers and talk about secretes to the games to a community of immature preteens, only interested in arguing, being a jerk to one another and seeing Sonic and Co in obscene positions.

Yep, dirty pictures of Sonic and Knuckles doing dirty things to each other. From kids. Now if that's not irony, I don't know what is.

Out of the ashes of the SSRG (Wow, I'm still at a loss about a Sonic Research Group) arose an internet radio station that played only musical themes from video games. So if you were one of those people that thought Gordon Lightfoot or Cat Stevens were just a little too heavy for you and instead wanted the constant mellow drone of Super Mario Brothers, this was right up your alley. Or right down your steam pipe.

One of the best examples of unintential comedy I've witnessed is when I was forced to listen to a couple of recordings that Spam Boy provided to me, his SSRG theme song, as well as a half-hour documentary about the origins of EmulationZone.

First, the theme song involved Spam Boy and his SSRG partner singing a version of the Brady Bunch Theme Song, but replacing all the words with how the group got started. Key elements missing from this song include a tune, and being on the same lyric at the same time.

Secondly, there was the half-hour documentary. And OH MY GOD, was this funny. It's narrated for the first 20 minutes by this other fellow as he delves into the 5 year history of the site. This would be borderline boring except for the "E! True Hollywood Story" music playing in the background and changing along with the mood of the story.

At one point, when the site comes under attack from a rival site, they start playing music that's a cross between some cheap horror movie and Unsolved Mysteries. And since there appears to be a lot of tumult and debate in EZ's history, they play such music for a good chunk of the time. It appeared as if rivals were always present, trying to poo-poo the group's treasure trove of Top Secret Sonic the Hedgehog information, which led to a number of fights and threats of litigation. And all of this is being said with a straight face, or at least that's what it sounded like. Even when their site is attacked by "Ultra the Vampire", a line in the script that had me nearly peeing my pants, he did not break character.

The best moment might have been when Spam Boy screwed up and announced what the offical web site name was going to be, www.emulationzone.com. The next day, after his announcement had gone public, he went to procure the domain name and somebody had already hopped online and squatted the rights to it. The narrator describes this moment by saying, "In what was probably not a wise decision..." Classic, just classic.

Then, if you get to make it to the 20 minute mark, which may be difficult for many, you get to hear from Spam Boy himself. Every question the interviewer asks him, he just repeats back.

Narrator: "So, what was your biggest achievement?"
Spam Boy: "What was my biggest achievement? It would have to be the SSRG."
Narrator: "So what will you remember the most?"
Spam Boy: "What will I remember the most? ....."

And it goes on and on like that. Then he screams something about if people want to buy a t-shirt, they can contact him, and then the recording ends suddenly, just as it's ramping up.

So there you have it. The story of how a man-child can let a kid's hobby become his own little cottage industry, and how part of it came crashing down when the dirty pictures of Sonic became public.

It's a crying shame.