Chapter 6: The 2004 Avengers, Part 2: 12 Corbett Reports, 4 Victories

Every time I run into Spam Boy in the hallways at work, he never fails to greet me with his standard "Corbett Report! Corbett Report!" In a way, it's become disturbingly comfortable in its predictability. It's kinda like that routine head-nod that you come to expect every day from those people around the workplace you barely know with that "I'm pretty sure that dude works here..." glare.

But nevertheless, that was my standard greeting from Spam Boy. And if that seems a little off to you, believe me, it is.

One time, while sitting in my cubicle minding my own business, I couldn't help but hear what sounded like a rhythmic chanting coming from the cubicle next to mine. It was quite faint, so I took my headphones off (I hadn't started listening to anything yet), and concentrated on the sound until I realized that he was saying "Corbett Report" over and over to himself. Now, if he was saying it for my benefit to give me a hard time, that would be one thing. But no, he was simply just saying it to himself repeatedly... and rocking, as I discovered, as I paid a visit to see what was the matter.

"You do of course realize that you need help, right?", I asked.

"Yep", he replied. "I just love the Corbett Report."

And all I had done was write these shitty articles for his website. And when I say shitty, I don't mean they were of poor quality, as if I didn't put any effort in. But I never went to any games. As was my pledge to begin with, I never attended and never played throughout the course of the season. (Well, except for that one time, but we'll get into that later... maybe, if I care). Instead, I just read the game summaries off the site and ginned something up myself. Sometimes I would add in what I did on a given night just to punch up the story a little bit. Take this Game 4 report for example:

"I would have to say my fondest memory from last night's game was when I was at home watching "Next Action Star" on NBC and seeing that big fat guy roll around on the stage. Priceless. Since I don't go to the games, I'm forced to have an opinion about them based solely on the summaries that Captain Wolan posts on his site. I think the best thing was that picture of Wolan in an empty dugout after the game... well, it was the best thing until I realized he set the timer on his camera and posed for his own picture. That is so bush-league. I also read that the pitching and defense was good, which surely must explain why the other team scored 15 runs and the mercy rule was invoked. Ouch. Well, I guess my advice is to suck it up, buck it up, and tear it up next time. Assuming you can interpret the batting order and fielding assignments."

Seriously, what kind of guy poses himself for pictures in an empty dugout? Nobody else I know of in the rehab clinic. Similarly, the following was sumitted after a big Game 5 win:

"So, I didn't even get a game summary to read today to even attempt to put together another hard-hitting edition of the Corbett report. If this keeps up, I'm going to be reduced to reviewing what I watched on television last night while you all were playing. (If you haven't watched Last Comic Standing yet, you should. It's hilarious!) Nevertheless, I heard that the team won last night, and in the words of Chris Farley "La dee frickin' da!" Although I hear one of the members of the team, who shall remain Andy Wolan, decided to pick up the game ball and run a victory lap on the field as if he was Cal Ripken playing in his 2,131st consecutive game. Again, that move is so bush-league. I'm going to have to start awarding "bush-league points" as I see fit based on what I hear after each game. I'd like to thank Becky for providing pictures from the game... at least I get to see the game all laid out in pictures. Anywho, good luck in your next game. I hear Julieano Quality Services is pretty tough."

It didn't take me long before I came to one jaw-dropping conclusion.... Spam Boy is a menace to softball, and probably society as a whole. I mean, he ran a victory lap around the entire field after a softball game! In front of everybody no less!!

Which led me to the title of my next missive:

"Officially or Unofficially, Wolan is Touched in the Head"

It went downhill from there. What followed was commentary on how players from other teams made fun of him by saying things like, "He is not normal!". Couldn't have said it better myself. Also, another opposing player mentioned that they “wanted what he was having". It's called crack... you can get it just about anywhere if you look hard enough.

There's even a story about how one even tried to take his head off a few times by purposely hitting line drives right at him. To show his disgust, Spam Boy refused to shake his hand after the game and was called a "faggot" by the opposing player. The next morning, SB wrote a scathing article about that young lad and his lack of sportsmanship that was full of caustic remarks. And to think that those two had never even met before that game!

Also, it should be noted that the opposing captain was insulting one of the female players on SB's team for striking out, and while he stepped in to defend her honor, what resulted was pure comedy. This is a direct quote from SB himself, followed by my commentary:

"It’s one thing for someone to cheer the strike-out of a heavy hitter on the other team. Heck, any male batter for that matter. Cheering the strike-out of a female batter that can’t hit is like trying to rub it in to a guy with no legs that you are a better running [sic]. In the second with Rochelle at bat, Rochelle struck-out. This was followed by screams and cheers from a fielder in the JQS outfield. Trying to co-relate [sic] the strike-out of one of GD-A's most unskilled female batters to a strike-out of Manny Ramirez in the bottom of the ninth to win the ball game is uncalled for." Talk about damning somebody with faint praise. I nearly fell out of my seat on that one. The whole "you guys suck for laughing at our shitty batter" angle was just too much. Although it's still not cool. Funny, but not cool.

There were his many documented spats with umpires where he would have arguments over where the strike zone was or interpreting the "intentional walk" rule of co-ed softball whereas if a male player who is hitting in front of a female player is walked, he automatically gets second base in order to punish the pitcher for only wanting to pitch to the female players. Seems tame enough until you read that after one game the umpire refused to shake Spam Boy's hand. He of course took it hard and wrote about it in his game summary the following morning. I on the other hand, found it to be hilariously funny. Take this excerpt for example:

"Did I hear right that the umpire refused to shake Andy's hand after he refused to call the third game off? What is it with Andy's string of "handshaking incidents"? This post-game handshaking tradition is turning into something that might cause post-traumatic stress syndrome. I feel like I need to start shaking his hand at work so that he won't end up needing countless hours of therapy to get over the fact that not everybody is out to get him."

So there was that.

Oh, and he invited his parents to come to one of his games from all the way in Springfield... on their anniversary. Which leads me to blurt out an audible... "who does that???".

Even the post game celebrations didn't always go as planned. Apparently there was a clubhouse nestled in the middle of the softball complex that served alcoholic beverages. Now, after a tiring game or two of softball, that clubhouse beer can come in pretty handy to take that edge off. But getting absolutely bombed after only 1??? Unless I hadn't eaten in like 48 hours, I can't imagine getting drunk off of one beer. Guess who did though:

"I didn't see anything about that [partying] in the game summary. Just some pictures of some of the team members in the "clubhouse" having some beers, and a report that Wolan was "hammered" after only 1 beer. What kind of nancy-boy crap is that? Anytime the floor seems "uneven" after 1 beer, you've got to scratch your ass and ponder."

But the socialization must have been a good thing for the captain, as he started to date the catcher on his team, let's call her "Jason Varitek" to be safe. When I caught wind of this, I wrote the following:

"And lastly, and most importantly, I hear rumors about a possible love interest on the team. Is this true? Is it destined in the stars for two of the Avengers to put aside their batting statistics and make a match? Am I talking out of my sphincter? Is love really in the air?"

Speaking of which, there's a funny side-story there. I guess sometime during the summer of 2004, Spam Boy and "Jason Varitek" went to Tanglewood with "Jason Varitek's parents" to see a concert. During the show, Spam Boy decided to drag "Jason Varitek" up off of her feet and attempt to dance around with her in the audience. Now "Jason Varitek's dad" who happened to be a pharmacist caught a glimpse of this and blurted out, "You know, there's something I could probably prescribe for you for that!" Priceless!

They broke up soon after attending a Red Sox game together where the two of them got lost in Dorchester of all places on the way home from the park and Spam Boy really had to go to the bathroom and "Jason Varitek" didn't want to stop. (Can't say that I blame her.) It got to the point where she almost ditched him at the Natick rest stop to head home by herself.

So it was a season to remember. I season that I didn't really get a chance to experience first-hand, but I got to laugh heartily at nonetheless. It was a comedy of errors, both on and off the field, and I think that when all was said and done, there were restraining orders involved. The softball season may not have made my social calendar in the summer of 2004, but it made my morning every morning to continuously hear about the "incident" the night before.. and write about it.

It was thus that the season ended... 4 wins, 8 losses, and 12, count 'em, 12 Corbett Reports.